I've Decided to Become a Paradox

Percy / Jupiter | they/them or ve/vir/vis | 18 | I'll post about whatever I'm into here! | currently into the mobile game A3!

More About

Posts tagged personal:

timeskip reblogged timeskip
timeskip -

I... absolutely think I stim but since I don't have an actual ADHD/other diagnosis (yet?) idk if I can talk about it without having to clarify or something orz

But like... What else am I supposed to call some of my Habits???


timeskip -

@skarosian commented:
"as someone with a "professional" adhd diagnosis, i think it's fine for you to call it a stim! stimming isn't a neurodivergent-specific experience, anyone can stim and even some neurotypicals stim. its just a name for something you do to stimulate your senses so there's really no harm in calling your Habits stims :)"

Ohhhh I haven't really heard neutrotypical people say they stim, so it's good to know it's just a thing anyone can do :00 Thanks for telling me ;v;


I... absolutely think I stim but since I don't have an actual ADHD/other diagnosis (yet?) idk if I can talk about it without having to clarify or something orz

But like... What else am I supposed to call some of my Habits???


I can't stop saying the word "babe" in my mind but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by calling them babe since I've never done that before. But sometimes words just Stick to my Mind so like, lol,


"I regret getting you into A3" why don't you keep that to your fucking self. I KNOW I ruin things for people, you don't need to fucking TELL me.


I feel like my mom, my brother, and I all have different ideas of what "atheism" means to us (I'm almost ready to identify as "agnostic" and not athiest anymore but that's beside the point)


My mom, raised christian: Reading the bible for athiests makes us more sure of the lack of religion, because we know it's not real! Some people participate in religion despite not believing in a god, so athiesm is active denial of a god.

My brother, raised athiest: Actually, for me, athiesm is just lack of believing in a religion. It doesn't involve any interaction with the christian faith or other faiths.

Me, privately (I haven't told my family any of this), also raised athiest: I identify as athiest because I don't believe in a god, but part of me does truly believe that religion is correct, to some degree, in that we are part of a greater cycle than reality can explain to us.


I intended to finish the last of the OC drawing meme but I'm a) really frustrated with myself rn and idk if I can do this ;-; and b) IT'S REALLY FUCKING CLOUDY SO ALL MY PICTURES SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I'm drawing on paper and using the sketch as lineart that means I'll probably have to do the second one tomorrow when I can actually get a fucking good picture... I got the first one done but I kind of hate it so I,,, I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.


Feeling really lonely today :( I wanted to do something with my mom (I found an audio recording of someone reading a Sherlock Holmes story and since my mom likes listening to audiobooks I thought we could... read it together...) but right when I was going to ask her to read with me she was like "I'm going on a bikeride :D" so now I just feel abandoned for no reason :(((

(Last night I told her about it and she did say she wanted to do it together today but aaaaaaaaa I'm just upset and frusterated...)


Funny how in middle school (and high school to some degree) I'd deal with negative emotions by avoiding my homework, but now I'm in college and it's like *feels one (1) negative emotion* Oh God I Have To Do My Homework So I Stop Thinking


With my older brother it's like he'll say "you always end up talking about transphobia :/ idk I don't think it's that big of a deal :/ we live in a really progressive area :/"

But then with my younger brother it's like. We share exasperated looks when I'm misgendered and he straight up stopped reading something from our grandparents that deadnamed me. True solidarity.


Concerned about my physical health. It isn't actually affecting me much, but it's been going on for months, and the internet isn't giving me anything useful. I hope I don't have ANOTHER rare condition that doctors don't know what to do about 🙃🙃🙃

...Not that I'm going to go to the doctor for this. Doctor's trips costing what they do and all.


aphobia and discussion about internet harassment


Someone I follow on tumblr has reblogged a couple posts which have ace people acting ridiculous and like... not understanding what the OP of the post was talking about, like "wow you're being really mean to assume that everyone is allo" but that's not what the OP was actually talking about

So I'm sure that the person I'm following thinks it's?? justified or something??? to reblog it poking fun at this person who is either a) OBVIOUSLY a troll, are you fucking kidding me, do you not know the history of people pretending to be ace and acting mean to gay people on purpose to turn us against each other? OR b) it's a young ace person and/or one who didn't really understand the social ques in the OP's post, and we REALLY REALLY shouldn't be making fun of them in that case, because their question might've been weird and annoying, but the OP should've? moved on??? Or at least responded in a way that isn't a snarky comment.

I'm pretty sure the person's a troll, though. That doesn't stop other people like that from being children??? who maybe shouldn't be harassed on the internet???

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, because at one point I was that young ace person, making a dumb comment and getting it passed around by exclusionists, mocked and laughed at until I had to delete the post so that I wouldn't get any fucking notifications from it anymore. It haunts me, though, that I don't know who's seen it and I don't know what they said about me, and it made me actively re-closet myself and I still have problems actually saying I'm ace!!! At all!!! And this is the case for SO MANY ace people too, because exclusionists really did destroy every single community we created.

And I'm sick of seeing people make fun of us as if trolls are who we are or like we're all cringe or fucking whatever. Sometimes kids are cringey and say things they shouldn't and that goes for ANY sexuality. I'm definitely going to unfollow that person if they reblog another thing about this... Because as "harmless" as it is on the surface, it's really part of a big problem.


timeskip reblogged timeskip
timeskip -

Talk about gender and labels under the cut ^-^


This is probably just me, but,

I’m genderfluid in addition to being nonbinary and, like, genderfluid is an important label to me! I want to be able to mention that I’m a man now but might not be in a few days or whatever else! BUT when I mention that I’m genderfluid to someone and they refer to me as “genderfluid” where “nonbinary” would’ve worked equally well it just... doesn’t sit right with me.

Obviously it’s an understandable mistake. They referred to me correctly, but still, it feels weird, because genderfluid may be more specific than nonbinary, but it’s still not my main label. I use the umbrella term more than the specific word, but I still identify with that word! It’s confusing!

But, like, my gender doesn’t actually change very often. Usually my gender is neutral, the gender I refer to as “nonbinary.” I occasionally shift to other genders but I mean, I usually don’t pay that much attention to it? Like it’s there and I’m aware of it, but I learned a while ago that stressing about what exactly my gender is all the time doesn’t get me very far, it just stresses me out. Genderfluid is a way for me to talk about my specific experiences with gender, but nonbinary feels comfortable and safe. It’s a word that means I don’t have to examine myself, all I need to know is that I’m outside the binary.

So I guess my relationship with words and gender is more complicated than a lot of people understand? If I come out to someone, it’s always with the word “nonbinary,” so it’s weird to hear people putting the correct-but-also-not-really label on me.

(Note: this has only happened to me one time, but it felt weird and I wanted to examine my feelings on that weirdness.)


timeskip -

Oh btw this ended up coming to mind bc of some other stuff that's a little bit less, um, cheerful. lmao.

It's just that sometimes I feel like a fake mlm because of (general trans related stuff) but also because I'm only mlm part of the time because I am genderfluid, and I can't really talk about being mlm without mentioning that part of my gender, I guess? Nblm is the term that fits for me all the time, but sometimes I am a man who loves men y'know???


Talk about gender and labels under the cut ^-^


This is probably just me, but,

I’m genderfluid in addition to being nonbinary and, like, genderfluid is an important label to me! I want to be able to mention that I’m a man now but might not be in a few days or whatever else! BUT when I mention that I’m genderfluid to someone and they refer to me as “genderfluid” where “nonbinary” would’ve worked equally well it just... doesn’t sit right with me.

Obviously it’s an understandable mistake. They referred to me correctly, but still, it feels weird, because genderfluid may be more specific than nonbinary, but it’s still not my main label. I use the umbrella term more than the specific word, but I still identify with that word! It’s confusing!

But, like, my gender doesn’t actually change very often. Usually my gender is neutral, the gender I refer to as “nonbinary.” I occasionally shift to other genders but I mean, I usually don’t pay that much attention to it? Like it’s there and I’m aware of it, but I learned a while ago that stressing about what exactly my gender is all the time doesn’t get me very far, it just stresses me out. Genderfluid is a way for me to talk about my specific experiences with gender, but nonbinary feels comfortable and safe. It’s a word that means I don’t have to examine myself, all I need to know is that I’m outside the binary.

So I guess my relationship with words and gender is more complicated than a lot of people understand? If I come out to someone, it’s always with the word “nonbinary,” so it’s weird to hear people putting the correct-but-also-not-really label on me.

(Note: this has only happened to me one time, but it felt weird and I wanted to examine my feelings on that weirdness.)


The longer I'm on twitter the more I realize that I like it but tumblr really is the better site and I'm glad I made a tumblr account LONG before I got on twitter so I could feel what I have. It may not be a great site but it feels genuinely calming to me now... Plus, I've made friends and had some really great times??? Fuck, I'm getting tumblr nostalgia, is that even a thing??? I'm still using tumblr actively, so nostalgia isn't the right word, but I guess seeing how wack twitter is has opened my eyes to how much I love tumblr tags.

Also, as an extension, WF is ofc very good, but I'm specifically thinking of tumblr wrt to fandom content ^^;;


I wish I felt like my friendship with one of my friends was more balanced. I mean, for a while we weren't talking, but now we finally are again and. I really like talking to her!!! But I've been getting into her interests that she's gotten when we didn't talk and she hasn't been getting into mine, and I'm struggling to not feel like it's unfair.

I know she's more busy than I am, though, and I can't force her to get into A3, but I just... I wish I could talk about A3 and not feel like it's secondary to our conversations about other things... I don't think she's doing it on purpose and, I guess it's a little bit of my fault since I've been super enthusistic about talking about her interests, and I really enjoy them, so of course those conversations last longer, but...

I guess I just wish I had friends who also like A3,, haha.


I try to talk to my friends and then curl up into a ball of shame for even trying how do people even talk to others without feeling bad hahAHA


Me a few years ago: my dad is cool :)

Me now: I understand all those posts about how fathers are emotionally distant now


Does anyone really know me? Do I have any friends? Why do I keep losing people, why do I keep losing people,, Why are they leaving me or why am I driving them away or why am I broken?

It's like everyone else has figured out how to keep friendships and how to interact with other people and how to form real connections and I never did. I'm just shallow, I probably don't even exist beneath the surface. I keep trying to be friends with people, to share things about myself and listen to them talk about themselves, and I keep trying to listen but it's not really fixing anything--something's still wrong, they still don't know me, we're still nothing, I'm still nobody, I don't know how to become anything more than aquaintances with anyone.

And now that I'm scared again, I feel like I need to hide, to stop talking to people, to isolate myself again because then at least I can pretend that everything is okay instead of being reminded again and again that everyone else has friends and I have..... barely anything.


The charm of lurking, I guess, is to imagine that you could say something, and they could reply, and things would go exactly how you want. And, sometimes, a sort of parasocial relationship develops between you and the people on the site you lurk on frequently; they have no idea you're there, but you're looking and hoping to be friends. It's a little sad, really. Because you know you'll never be friends. They aren't talking to you.


mcatnip asked:

Acetaldehyde: What did you used to have that you are happier without?

Ah, sorry this took so long to answer!

Well... Hm. I don't throw things out often, so finding a physical object like that is hard! But if it's not physical, I guess I'm happier without a specific friend of mine from when I was in elementary school. From what I remember, she was bullying someone else, and since we were friends I did nothing :( So, I'm glad she left, and I became... kind-of-friends with the person she bullied??? Friendly aquaintances???

Anyways, I'd like to think that I became a better person after she left lol


*things that i suspect are adhd symptoms suddenly intensify* haha! free me!!!

I need to write my paper. I have been thinking of writing this paper for over an hour. I have successfully opened the document. Nothing else has gotten done.


school stuff (mostly just lingering high school chem angst)


The college math placement test put me in a math class that's too easy for me because I have such a bad memory. So I'm just relearning stuff from high school RIP.

Sigh. The bad memory thing is why I didn't realize I was in the wrong chemistry class until several months in. I was just like "oh I probably learned this before and forgot entirely... This is a hard class for EVERYONE..." not realizing that it was hard, but not THAT hard for everyone else. Lmao??? It's objectively funny I guess, but still hurts that half the people I talked to about it laughed at me. Like yay... thanks for thinking my suffering is funny... It IS funny, but in that dry sarcastic way that I, as the person hurt, can find funny, but I'd prefer others to not laugh about.

Can't wait to go into a college chem class and have really weirdly spotty knowledge of everything. Like I'll know some advanced stuff but then some of the basics I'll be like ??? what the hell??? I'm actually really scared to go into a chem class after everything but I really want to do science in the future so... I'll have to take the leap when I have the opportunity...


I know I have really bad self hatred and I'm incompetent and generally a terrible person, but to learn that apparently I don't even show my FAMILY that I care about them is really. ow. I wish I knew how to fix it.


Next